We started Foster care in October of 2017. What was supposed to be just one special needs child came in a two pack of special needs brothers. I struggled greatly with feeling somewhat forced into this option and not wanting to turn away little boys who were living in a facility. My husband and I felt like they knew we wouldn't say no, so they offered these boys to us. Honestly, it was hard, but I wouldn't change it for the world. The younger of the two brothers ended up being a lot sicker than they realized and we ended up in the hospital for days on end multiple times. I spent most nights lying awake waiting to see if he would have a seizure and napping while they were at school or running on 2 or 3 hours of sleep. (I know self care!) The boys were our world. As visitations continued, one of the boys became extremely defiant and would tell me in what little words he had that his mother told him he didn't have to listen to us. She also told him to not listen to us. She told him he was coming home soon. At one point, I asked him, do you think if you are naughty you will get to go home? He said yeah and said momma said. It broke my heart that she was doing this to him, but what could I do. I told him that it wasn't true. Moms that children love honestly definitely are believed way faster than the person they think is keeping them from their mom and dad.
I laughed so hard watching these little boys blossom. They had no verbal skills when we got them, just sounds and grunts and one had just learned to walk at 5. They were 5 and 6 but wore size 3/4 clothing. They were so tiny. They would eat anything we put in front of them and we had to watch carefully that they didn't take food off of each other's plates. Their story was a horrible and sad story, but aren't they all really? My heart would break when I would think about what they came from. I fought to get the youngest one into the mds he needed. I won every time! We really loved having them around for the most part. We had them for 11 months. Then my life started to spiral into something I couldn't recognize on the horizon. Not knowing how I would emotionally handle that I knew that I couldn't put the boys through my emotional hills and valleys. They relied on me to be the calm and stable one and the thought of what was to come, was literally paralyzing me.
Let's go back to my daughter's graduation from College. She realized she couldn't do the job she wanted herein Alabama with her degree without getting a higher degree and the jobs she could get wouldn't support her to live independently and go to school for her masters. She also knew she was about to be in student loan hell. So, my daughter started looking for an overseas teaching job. My husband and I had discussed going overseas as well. I have always loved Asian food and culture and knew I could work online and make more than enough money to support the two of us. Plus if he fished, that would cut down on our grocery budget. We had it all planned. I told my son he needed to get a job if he wanted to come with us. All I wanted him to save up for was his plane ticket. I knew that where we were going, he may have trouble finding a job, but I was sure he could find something there. He refused to get a job and after I told him we weren't going to pay for his plane ticket because I had asked him to please save the money for that part and he hadn't. Well, he announced that he was moving in with my ex husband (his dad) in Colorado. My daughter also was offered a job in China. All of the sudden I had short notice empty nester syndrome and it wasn't like they were going to be down the road where I would see them regularly.
At first, my husband and I agreed that I would go with my daughter. He would sell our house and we would presell most of our property and then he would work on either early retirement or transfer to Hong Kong. Everything was set. I noticed quickly that he was still ordering bullet molds which he can't use in Asia at all. I thought, how serious is he about coming with us. I went and talked to a counselor about how I was feeling and he basically said I needed to try to make my marriage work. My husband may not have been able to say he didn't want to go now etc etc. So, I told my family I decided to stay here. My son decided to go with his dad still because his dad had found him a job. (Three years living with us and wouldn't get a job when I basically handed him one but when dad who wasn't around does, it like a stupid six figure income. No he isn't making anywhere near six figures, I just mean its like his dream job was handed to him). Anyhow, enough of that drama. My ex came in August to pick him up. On his birthday weekend (my son's birthday). So, I didn't get to spend his birthday with him because he was in Colorado. My ex (who knows he owes thousands of dollars of child support) had a great time talking about how he was going to Mexico and New Orleans and Vegas and was looking at buying a Tesla. I just took a deep breath even though I really just wanted to kick him somewhere hard. (I'll maybe do a blogpost about my ex and why I absolutely can't stand being in his general vicinity).
After my son left, I knew I definitely couldn't keep the boys pending my daughter's departure at some point in September. I finalized our closing date for doing daycare. Then poof they were gone as well. the youngest one said see ya later when he left. He thought he was coming back. And I cried so hard. I felt like I was letting them down so much. But, I knew that this transition into being a mom with no kids to come to see her on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Mother's Day was going to be super hard. What you need to know about me. At 19, I was a college student living on campus, away from home, for the first time. I had been an exchange student but we still had people overseeing us and host parents. So it wasn't the same as being solo. I was being asked to be in Sororities, I was making new friends, I was loving life. Then, a friend (I use that term loosely) came by my dorm room. He was waiting for friends to come meet him at a frat party. I won't go into details but, lets just say, he decided to be a lot closer than friends even though I told him to stop and said no multiple times. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. So I went from being a kid to a mom. Family members tried to convince me to give the baby up for adoption. But, I grew up without my mom and I never wanted that for any of my children. I don't believe in abortion, so for me there was only one choice. Being a mom.
18 months later, I had my son. (I was married before my daughter was born.) At any rate, I was always a mom and my kids came first. I made sure their needs were met and I worked multiple jobs as a single mom when they were 3/4 and after. I made sure they had what they needed. I lived with my grandparents for help with getting them off the bus if I needed to be at work and I struggled to keep my head above water. When you are in college or are college age, you learn who you are. You make your mistakes. You learn about yourself. I never had time to do that. I have struggled with my identity for a lot of my life for a lot of reasons, but, I never had the chance to figure me out. Now, my kids are moving out and they won't be local. I live in a place where I honestly have made zero friends in the 3 years we have lived here. I thought I had friends but I found out when circumstances changed they were people who needed me for their interests. So, I am basically alone. It's so scary. Its so daunting. It's just so terrifying. I want to know who I am but, I feel wholly too old to figure it out.
So, for now, this is where I sit. I spent he last year running after 2 boys and trying to keep my head above water. Now, I am crying for no reason, over random things that would make anyone else look at me as if I was crazy. I literally barely leave the house because I have no idea when I will break into tears. Like literally, Friday night, we went to Chronic Tacos. She was sitting across from me eating a burrito. I could only think the next time I come here, she can't come with me. Tonight she came out excitedly saying she was getting her visa paperwork tomorrow and we needed to go to a fedex and send it overnight so she can get her paperwork overnighted to get the visa on her passport. I played it ok. I didn't cry. Till she went to her room and went to bed...………..
Typing this.....tears are pouring from my face. I honestly have zero idea what to do. I know that I have one more weekend with her. Then, life as I know it will be unrecognizable. The reasons I looked forward to tomorrow, will be gone. I'm lucky if my son messages me ever (like literally I have to text him). My daughter will be 14 hours ahead of me in a country that is not the most open and free. One where she doesn't know the language and she has online friends she has never met in person that she will be relying on and I don't know anything about them and really neither does she. I'm going to take a deep breath and pray that she stays safe. Pray that she doesn't get too homesick. Because I will be homesick without my kids. So there it is. That is my last year. Probably this blog will be how I survive for the next two years.....or longer.....Whether we can keep our YouTube channel afloat when we are continents apart. Whether I end up losing it completely or maybe figure out something to take up my time. Either way, this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Some people think being a young mom is the hardest part. It isn't. Its watching them go away and leave you behind and all you have are memories and scrapbooks and and empty place at the dinner table. I've never cooked for one or two, its always been three or more. I've never had to sit in silence all day because there was no one to talk to. I have no idea what this will look like. I'm pretty sure I really don't want to know. But, ready or not. Here it goes.
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