We asked my son where he wanted to go before he left any places he would miss etc. He only wanted to go to dinner at one of his favorite restaurants and he wanted us to invite his dad and grandmother. So, I was the bigger person, yes I wanted him all to myself for his last night home, but honestly, so many changes were happening and I felt helpless to have any say in the changes that were happening in my life. I feel like this is the story of my life. When I was a child, my parents split up. I ended up living with my father's parents which is a whole special edition blog post. No idea what was happening, no idea why and no one ever asked me what I wanted. When I was in school, I had the friends that my grandparents said were 'ok'. No one asked me who I wanted to be friends with. My high school boyfriend ended up with someone else after we had gotten engaged and I found out from his friend. My college was picked by my grandparents. Being a mom. So many things have never been my choice. I don't even know if I have an opinion some days.
I feel like I am struggling so bad. She hasn't even left yet, but I am seeing her bags packed. Her last moments in her room. Setting up a space for me to 'work'....or try to. I have no idea what direction to go into. It sucks sometimes to live so far away from people who know you. People you can count on. Yes, I have my husband but, what you need to know about him is that after marriage, we were having some struggles. During marital counseling, the counselor asked to test him on a few things. We found out he has Asperger Syndrome. So, the things that I need from our marriage that he hasn't been able to give, he can't. I have to accept that. I do love him and he is a great guy. But, sometimes, when he is really into something, I am not even alive to him. He just gets into his zone. He tries to include me or pay attention to what I am saying but, he just can't. I feel stagnant. I feel trapped. I feel so many things right now. I don't even know where to begin to pick up my life and move forward.
Crafts that I used to love to do, I look at my supplies and I just don't want to. The photo boxes of memories that I have been meaning to scrapbook, I can't even touch the box. I bought these things to make pom pom rugs, but I can't even start to pull out the yarn because it was both mine and my daughter's yarn. So much of my craft stuff was for our projects. My sons room has a spot on the wall where he slid something and I refuse to paint the room even though we need to. I have YouTube videos in the can and I can't even convince myself to redownload the program to edit them to put them on YouTube. I have a lot I can do, but all of it, was meant to be done with her or him. My house is so quiet and she is still here. I can't imagine the silence when she leaves.
We sent her paperwork for her Visa in and are waiting for it to come back. It looks like she will leave around the 21/22nd. I feel like a person on death row waiting for their number to come up. I wake up from sleep with my heart beating so fast I can't even breath or I can't sleep at all. I stay awake until my body literally forces me to sleep. Then, I wake with the panic attack. My stress level is starting to cause my feet and ankles to swell and Im nauseous all the time. I asked her if she would mind if I didn't go to the airport with her. Not because I don't want to go but because I don't know how I will stand after watching her walk away. Everything reminds me of her and my son. Every restaurant, every store is just a reminder that they are or will be gone. I want to be happy and excited for her but, I am tormented and broken. Most of the time I hold it together well or I cover up the tear that escapes my eye in a moment. But, when I type this blog, the tears pour and I could never hide them.
I watch TV shows that yes are sad but don't warrant tears from me and yet, I cry. I can't even deal with non sad things if someone gets disappointed. I seriously hope that by writing this blog, I can let out the tears and find a sunshine at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I am on a highway and I see a sign that says tunnel ahead and I look forward and see the darkness of the tunnel with no sign of light. I am setting alarms to remind me to eat so that I know that I will remember to eat. I know I'm not the first one to go through this, but I feel like my past has a huge part in why I am having so much trouble dealing with it.
When my son was in the army, I cried often while he was in boot camp. I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't see him except looking through the photos on his unit page which were so hard to find your child out of the men there. When he was at his duty station, he was only 5 hours away from us so, we would often get off of work on Friday and drive there and visit all day Saturday and then again on Sunday am and then drive home. Then, my husband's work was slated to close. They offered a transfer to Alabama. He was getting set to transfer to Texas so we figured well Alabama is closer to Texas than Illinois so Ok. Then he got discharged and moved in with us about 6 months later. It was super stressful. He had a job then he got laid off and then he just got super picky about jobs. I should add my son is autistic, but is high functioning. So, he gets something in his head and he just can't be convinced.
This all just seems to final. Too permanent too much. My step one in thoughts is to start a new craft. Something that will take concentration and will not be something I have done with my daughter. I bought stuff to do the paint pouring for ornaments etc. I also was looking into doing reborn babies. Its a lot of up front costs and practice but, I think maybe I could do it. Do you guys have any ideas of things I could take up? I'd love to something like volunteering etc, however, we had two vehicles. When we were planning on leaving for asia, we sold my van. So now we are down to one vehicle and my husband works days and often works 10-12 hour days and also work a lot of Saturdays. (that is why my house will be quiet).
But for now, I am trying to find some hobbies I can do from home. That will be my first step.
No comments:
Post a Comment