Counting down to the trip to the airport.....

The days seem to be speeding by. It is forcing me into this foggy future that is in front of me. I thought about writing a book. I thought, well, my blog posts are so depressing I'm sure any book I wrote would be equally sad. Then, I thought I need to stop being depressed. I can't change anything that is happening. I raised two children to adulthood who had no drug problems, no arrests, graduated high school, one finished college the other is making plans to use his GI bill. I have two children who have no children at 23 and 24. They have good morals and they are pretty awesome people, if I do say so myself. So I have to change my paradigm. But to what? I have zero idea and this blog post will not even start trying to rationalize that. I have realized one thing. I have to wait till she leaves to figure out what I will become, or who I am. It may look like me now, and it may look completely different.

So I am going to lighten this up with a funny story from last week. Now, when I say funny, I don't really mean funny Haha. I mean funny, my husband is lucky to be alive. (That is a joke, I in NO way condone violence in any way towards anyone. But I may have jokingly told him that he was lucky I wasn't motivated enough to shoot him in the butt.) So, we had a tropical storm last week. There is a tree on the side of our driveway that I have mentioned a few times we need to get a quote on having it taken down.....we need to rent a tall ladder and check some branches......etc etc. Ok tropical storm. So, storm is going on and early in the am there is a LOUD bang. I think man that thing hit our van. I'm hoping it dented the roof big deal.....we will have a dented roof on our van. Nope. Not even a chance of that. It fell right in the middle of our front window. It was lovely! So I go online and order a replacement window and prepay for it. They come out and do an amazing job replacing the window. (We paid for it because it was under our copay for home insurance and auto said because it was a tree on our property our home owners had to cover it). Ok now, my husband notices there is another hanging branch in the tree. Before we got the window replaced I tell him he should try to throw something up and knock it down and until then park the vehicle out of the reach of the branch.

I know you know where this is going....I know you can hear me taking a deep breath and talking myself out of jail time....I know..... So, what happened next was after the BEAUTIFUL new windshield was put in at around 930 am. That evening, we hear another loud noise. I looked at my husband. I said, please tell me you got that branch out of that tree. The look on his face told me right away that he had not. I took a deep breath and I said ok. You better go check because if I see it, we are going to have a problem. Sure enough.....branch #2....in the window and not fixable with a fill. Another $450 into ANOTHER window. So much for a savings account right? So, Tuesday of last week, someone came out again and replaced our window. I looked at my husband and I said, park where there are no chances of tree branches. I said if you see a tree branch hanging find your tool that you were supposed to throw up on the last one and do it. Don't see something else you want to get done just do it!

If only I was taller than 5'2" tall and this tree wasn't like 25 feet tall. Also, I should add I throw 'like a girl'. Its so true too. I am not a sports girl. I was a band geek. I did absolutely ZERO sports. I am aok with that because when I tried to do sports, I failed miserably.

I honestly have really started looking back at the quotes and speeches done by people I really respect. Have you ever heard of Sam Glenn? In my former life in Illinois, my employer showed a lot of his videos. Literally a week after we got relocated and we were spinning from a new place where we knew no one. On his fb page he posted a painting he had done of an angel. He said he was thinking about trashing it because it had a hole in it. I commented that sometimes the holes and mistakes are what make something wonderful and not to trash it. What I didn't know is that he was waiting to see who would have a positive answer to the post. I was the first to comment and he mailed me that painting. I need to put it in the house where I can see it all the time to remind me. If you haven't seen any of his talks, I am connecting on here my faves.





This is a short blog. Mainly because overall I have so much still to do before she leaves and I have to get my house in order and I already did two HUGE long posts last week that I am sure wore you out! I am going to start listening to Sam Glenn. I am going to use what he has put out in the ether to change my attitude about this. See y'all Friday...….I will probably be scheduling that post. Unless she is leaving the following week. We are waiting to see when they want her to be there.

Trying to make the best of memories before a long time without my kids......

We asked my son where he wanted to go before he left any places he would miss etc. He only wanted to go to dinner at one of his favorite restaurants and he wanted us to invite his dad and grandmother. So, I was the bigger person, yes I wanted him all to myself for his last night home, but honestly, so many changes were happening and I felt helpless to have any say in the changes that were happening in my life. I feel like this is the story of my life. When I was a child, my parents split up. I ended up living with my father's parents which is a whole special edition blog post. No idea what was happening, no idea why and no one ever asked me what I wanted. When I was in school, I had the friends that my grandparents said were 'ok'. No one asked me who I wanted to be friends with. My high school boyfriend ended up with someone else after we had gotten engaged and I found out from his friend. My college was picked by my grandparents. Being a mom. So many things have never been my choice. I don't even know if I have an opinion some days.

I feel like I am struggling so bad. She hasn't even left yet, but I am seeing her bags packed. Her last moments in her room. Setting up a space for me to 'work'....or try to. I have no idea what direction to go into. It sucks sometimes to live so far away from people who know you. People you can count on. Yes, I have my husband but, what you need to know about him is that after marriage, we were having some struggles. During marital counseling, the counselor asked to test him on a few things. We found out he has Asperger Syndrome. So, the things that I need from our marriage that he hasn't been able to give, he can't. I have to accept that. I do love him and he is a great guy. But, sometimes, when he is really into something, I am not even alive to him. He just gets into his zone. He tries to include me or pay attention to what I am saying but, he just can't. I feel stagnant. I feel trapped. I feel so many things right now. I don't even know where to begin to pick up my life and move forward.

Crafts that I used to love to do, I look at my supplies and I just don't want to. The photo boxes of memories that I have been meaning to scrapbook, I can't even touch the box. I bought these things to make pom pom rugs, but I can't even start to pull out the yarn because it was both mine and my daughter's yarn. So much of my craft stuff was for our projects. My sons room has a spot on the wall where he slid something and I refuse to paint the room even though we need to. I have YouTube videos in the can and I can't even convince myself to redownload the program to edit them to put them on YouTube. I have a lot I can do, but all of it, was meant to be done with her or him. My house is so quiet and she is still here. I can't imagine the silence when she leaves.

We sent her paperwork for her Visa in and are waiting for it to come back. It looks like she will leave around the 21/22nd. I feel like a person on death row waiting for their number to come up. I wake up from sleep with my heart beating so fast I can't even breath or I can't sleep at all. I stay awake until my body literally forces me to sleep. Then, I wake with the panic attack. My stress level is starting to cause my feet and ankles to swell and Im nauseous all the time. I asked her if she would mind if I didn't go to the airport with her. Not because I don't want to go but because I don't know how I will stand after watching her walk away. Everything reminds me of her and my son. Every restaurant, every store is just a reminder that they are or will be gone. I want to be happy and excited for her but, I am tormented and broken. Most of the time I hold it together well or I cover up the tear that escapes my eye in a moment. But, when I type this blog, the tears pour and I could never hide them.

I watch TV shows that yes are sad but don't warrant tears from me and yet, I cry. I can't even deal with non sad things if someone gets disappointed. I seriously hope that by writing this blog, I can let out the tears and find a sunshine at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I am on a highway and I see a sign that says tunnel ahead and I look forward and see the darkness of the tunnel with no sign of light. I am setting alarms to remind me to eat so that I know that I will remember to eat. I know I'm not the first one to go through this, but I feel like my past has a huge part in why I am having so much trouble dealing with it.

When my son was in the army, I cried often while he was in boot camp. I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't see him except looking through the photos on his unit page which were so hard to find your child out of the men there. When he was at his duty station, he was only 5 hours away from us so, we would often get off of work on Friday and drive there and visit all day Saturday and then again on Sunday am and then drive home. Then, my husband's work was slated to close. They offered a transfer to Alabama. He was getting set to transfer to Texas so we figured well Alabama is closer to Texas than Illinois so Ok. Then he got discharged and moved in with us about 6 months later. It was super stressful. He had a job then he got laid off and then he just got super picky about jobs. I should add my son is autistic, but is high functioning. So, he gets something in his head and he just can't be convinced.

This all just seems to final. Too permanent too much. My step one in thoughts is to start a new craft. Something that will take concentration and will not be something I have done with my daughter. I bought stuff to do the paint pouring for ornaments etc. I also was looking into doing reborn babies. Its a lot of up front costs and practice but, I think maybe I could do it. Do you guys have any ideas of things I could take up? I'd love to something like volunteering etc, however, we had two vehicles. When we were planning on leaving for asia, we sold my van. So now we are down to one vehicle and my husband works days and often works 10-12 hour days and also work a lot of Saturdays. (that is why my house will be quiet).

But for now, I am trying to find some hobbies I can do from home. That will be my first step.

Starting over again.....for the last time.....Finding myself Part 1

We started Foster care in October of 2017. What was supposed to be just one special needs child came in a two pack of special needs brothers. I struggled greatly with feeling somewhat forced into this option and not wanting to turn away little boys who were living in a facility. My husband and I felt like they knew we wouldn't say no, so they offered these boys to us. Honestly, it was hard, but I wouldn't change it for the world. The younger of the two brothers ended up being a lot sicker than they realized and we ended up in the hospital for days on end multiple times. I spent most nights lying awake waiting to see if he would have a seizure and napping while they were at school or running on 2 or 3 hours of sleep. (I know self care!) The boys were our world. As visitations continued, one of the boys became extremely defiant and would tell me in what little words he had that his mother told him he didn't have to listen to us. She also told him to not listen to us. She told him he was coming home soon. At one point, I asked him, do you think if you are naughty you will get to go home? He said yeah and said momma said. It broke my heart that she was doing this to him, but what could I do. I told him that it wasn't true. Moms that children love honestly definitely are believed way faster than the person they think is keeping them from their mom and dad.

I laughed so hard watching these little boys blossom. They had no verbal skills when we got them, just sounds and grunts and one had just learned to walk at 5. They were 5 and 6 but wore size 3/4 clothing. They were so tiny. They would eat anything we put in front of them and we had to watch carefully that they didn't take food off of each other's plates. Their story was a horrible and sad story, but aren't they all really? My heart would break when I would think about what they came from. I fought to get the youngest one into the mds he needed. I won every time! We really loved having them around for the most part. We had them for 11 months. Then my life started to spiral into something I couldn't recognize on the horizon. Not knowing how I would emotionally handle that I knew that I couldn't put the boys through my emotional hills and valleys. They relied on me to be the calm and stable one and the thought of what was to come, was literally paralyzing me.

Let's go back to my daughter's graduation from College. She realized she couldn't do the job she wanted herein Alabama with her degree without getting a higher degree and the jobs she could get wouldn't support her to live independently and go to school for her masters. She also knew she was about to be in student loan hell. So, my daughter started looking for an overseas teaching job. My husband and I had discussed going overseas as well. I have always loved Asian food and culture and knew I could work online and make more than enough money to support the two of us. Plus if he fished, that would cut down on our grocery budget. We had it all planned. I told my son he needed to get a job if he wanted to come with us. All I wanted him to save up for was his plane ticket. I knew that where we were going, he may have trouble finding a job, but I was sure he could find something there. He refused to get a job and after I told him we weren't going to pay for his plane ticket because I had asked him to please save the money for that part and he hadn't. Well, he announced that he was moving in with my ex husband (his dad) in Colorado. My daughter also was offered a job in China. All of the sudden I had short notice empty nester syndrome and it wasn't like they were going to be down the road where I would see them regularly.

At first, my husband and I agreed that I would go with my daughter. He would sell our house and we would presell most of our property and then he would work on either early retirement or transfer to Hong Kong. Everything was set. I noticed quickly that he was still ordering bullet molds which he can't use in Asia at all. I thought, how serious is he about coming with us. I went and talked to a counselor about how I was feeling and he basically said I needed to try to make my marriage work. My husband may not have been able to say he didn't want to go now etc etc. So, I told my family I decided to stay here. My son decided to go with his dad still because his dad had found him a job. (Three years living with us and wouldn't get a job when I basically handed him one but when dad who wasn't around does, it like a stupid six figure income. No he isn't making anywhere near six figures, I just mean its like his dream job was handed to him). Anyhow, enough of that drama. My ex came in August to pick him up. On his birthday weekend (my son's birthday). So, I didn't get to spend his birthday with him because he was in Colorado. My ex (who knows he owes thousands of dollars of child support) had a great time talking about how he was going to Mexico and New Orleans and Vegas and was looking at buying a Tesla. I just took a deep breath even though I really just wanted to kick him somewhere hard. (I'll maybe do a blogpost about my ex and why I absolutely can't stand being in his general vicinity).

After my son left, I knew I definitely couldn't keep the boys pending my daughter's departure at some point in September. I finalized our closing date for doing daycare. Then poof they were gone as well. the youngest one said see ya later when he left. He thought he was coming back. And I cried so hard. I felt like I was letting them down so much. But, I knew that this transition into being a mom with no kids to come to see her on Thanksgiving, Christmas or Mother's Day was going to be super hard. What you need to know about me. At 19, I was a college student living on campus, away from home, for the first time. I had been an exchange student but we still had people overseeing us and host parents. So it wasn't the same as being solo. I was being asked to be in Sororities, I was making new friends, I was loving life. Then, a friend (I use that term loosely) came by my dorm room. He was waiting for friends to come meet him at a frat party. I won't go into details but, lets just say, he decided to be a lot closer than friends even though I told him to stop and said no multiple times. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. So I went from being a kid to a mom. Family members tried to convince me to give the baby up for adoption. But, I grew up without my mom and I never wanted that for any of my children. I don't believe in abortion, so for me there was only one choice. Being a mom.

18 months later, I had my son. (I was married before my daughter was born.) At any rate, I was always a mom and my kids came first. I made sure their needs were met and I worked multiple jobs as a single mom when they were 3/4 and after. I made sure they had what they needed. I lived with my grandparents for help with getting them off the bus if I needed to be at work and I struggled to keep my head above water. When you are in college or are college age, you learn who you are. You make your mistakes. You learn about yourself. I never had time to do that. I have struggled with my identity for a lot of my life for a lot of reasons, but, I never had the chance to figure me out. Now, my kids are moving out and they won't be local. I live in a place where I honestly have made zero friends in the 3 years we have lived here. I thought I had friends but I found out when circumstances changed they were people who needed me for their interests. So, I am basically alone. It's so scary. Its so daunting. It's just so terrifying. I want to know who I am but, I feel wholly too old to figure it out.

So, for now, this is where I sit. I spent he last year running after 2 boys and trying to keep my head above water. Now, I am crying for no reason, over random things that would make anyone else look at me as if I was crazy. I literally barely leave the house because I have no idea when I will break into tears. Like literally, Friday night, we went to Chronic Tacos. She was sitting across from me eating a burrito. I could only think the next time I come here, she can't come with me. Tonight she came out excitedly saying she was getting her visa paperwork tomorrow and we needed to go to a fedex and send it overnight so she can get her paperwork overnighted to get the visa on her passport. I played it ok. I didn't cry. Till she went to her room and went to bed...………..

Typing this.....tears are pouring from my face. I honestly have zero idea what to do. I know that I have one more weekend with her. Then, life as I know it will be unrecognizable. The reasons I looked forward to tomorrow, will be gone. I'm lucky if my son messages me ever (like literally I have to text him). My daughter will be 14 hours ahead of me in a country that is not the most open and free. One where she doesn't know the language and she has online friends she has never met in person that she will be relying on and I don't know anything about them and really neither does she. I'm going to take a deep breath and pray that she stays safe. Pray that she doesn't get too homesick. Because I will be homesick without my kids. So there it is. That is my last year. Probably this blog will be how I survive for the next two years.....or longer.....Whether we can keep our YouTube channel afloat when we are continents apart. Whether I end up losing it completely or maybe figure out something to take up my time. Either way, this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Some people think being a young mom is the hardest part. It isn't. Its watching them go away and leave you behind and all you have are memories and scrapbooks and and empty place at the dinner table. I've never cooked for one or two, its always been three or more. I've never had to sit in silence all day because there was no one to talk to. I have no idea what this will look like. I'm pretty sure I really don't want to know. But, ready or not. Here it goes.