Growing up, my life was not HORRIBLE. But I had a lot of complications that other kids never had to deal with. I grew up with my grandparents and neither parent was active in my life. I spent a long time feeling lost, jealous, angry, hurt, unloved. Just everything you can imagine anyone feeling. I kept a lot inside of me. I did't share and I didn't trust anyone. It was loneliness in its rawest form. One thing always drew me into being happy or upbeat. That was music. I started singing young. Did summer theater, I did Talent shows and pageants. I dreamt of being up on stage in front of thousands singing my heart out. I got on stage in front of thousands and sang my heart out. No not a real deal famous singer but, every chance I got I was on stage singing.
You see for me, Music was it. Music was a connection. When I was mad it was Pat Benetar or Joan Jett or Alanis Morrisette. When I was in love it was Air Supply. Or it was Bonjovi or Twisted Sister. It was whatever touched me at that time. I learned fast that I could change my mood by music. I could let out my feelings just by singing.
During that time, I had some amazing friends. They were very Christian. I went to church but they really were all in for God. When things got tight they just prayed and I thought yeah cuz gods gonna fill your freezer. But he did. It happened every time. Someone would be sick, they would pray that person would get better. I wanted to believe what they believed. I struggled to figure out how to be that faithful. I knew I wanted it but, I was afraid. I was afraid of what would happen if I did that. What would happen if I gave in. I was afraid of losing friends (yeah um. OK) Why would I have wanted friends who would walk away from me because I became a Christian. Anyhow, I made a ton of mistakes. I married someone who was verbally and physically abusive. When I finally got strong enough to leave, I then married someone who was cheating on me all the time. I was doing just one bad decision after another. The only thing I was doing right was raising my children. My ex (my kids dad) and I got back together after my failed second marriage. He said he had changed etc etc. At first for the first two years I would have to say yes, he had. But then boom right back to where he was. So I moved to IL.
I said to myself, ya know at the end of the day, the only person I can count on forever is me. Me myself and I have been the only constant I have been in. I have been through a lot and I have survived it all. I have come out victorious if even a little broken. But my broken pieces glisten. I started working on me. I started working on me. I started liking who I was. And I said what is missing in my life. God was missing. I was empty. I was hollow without him. I had finally hit a place where I could care less what anyone else but the person looking back at me in the mirror thought.
I gave in and gave it up. What drew me in to the church we ended up at was the songs. The songs that connected to the teachings of the minister. I wanted to get involved with the music ministry program but didn't feel worthy. Then when we found out we were moving, I was in touch with a church that desperately needed music ministry help. I was excited to finally be using what I was gifted to serve. Then they found help in the form of another church taking them over. Then my church said they were looking for a music minister but it became obvious very clear that they wanted a man. I felt shunned because of it. But I decided I know this is my path. I know this is my mission. This is where I belong. In the background, in the trenches bringing people to God by touching them with music. That is where I need to be.
So I found an online college. I am going to start with a certificate program which will allow me to start pursuing positions. Then I will move onto my official degree. Certificate programs do not have financial aid so I am not able to currently get assistance until I move into a degree program. The school is CLUonline.edu. You can verify it is an accredited school. I have started a go fund me. Only because I don't have the funds myself with 2 adult children going to school full time in college and because we have struggled since the move because it took us 6 months for me to find a job. Just his income wasn't enough. My son wasn't supposed to move here yet. But he was injured in the military and was discharged. So now we are a family of four. Five in a few weeks when our student comes from Vietnam for the school year. I am very excited to have him come but, I am also nervous. That is another blog for another day.
So here is my go fund me. Feel free to share it. Feel free to comment. I know God will provide me the way to my path. I am just using my resources to open the door.
See my GOFUNDME page here
Thank you in advance for sharing my story. God Bless!
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