If I were to launch my life story in novel form, the critics would say this is not true. But oddly it all is. See my life started out the child of a 16 year old girl and an 18 year old man. He joined the navy and we moved to the south to a base. Now if you ask the family who raised me the story, they will tell you that I was brought to them by my father because my mother had taken off and left me with him while she started a new life with the man she had been cheating on him with and left him then. If you ask my mom, my father and she had already split. She was at work and I was at daycare. I was picked up from daycare and a court hearing was held the next am to give custody to my grandparents before she could even get up there for which she had no money at all.
My dad left me with his parents either way you look at it because he never came back to get me even after he had remarried. But that may have had something to do with his new wife saying I was part of his past and she and the children they would have (which they never did) would be his future, but who knows. Yes she told me this to my face at the age of 10. Growing up I saw my dad less than a handful of times.
My mom well there is a whole different blog, but the short story is she visited me a few times. She got remarried to the man she started dating either while she was with my dad or after they split depending on who's story you believe. I really only remember her visiting me 2 times in the 14 years I lived with my grandparents and maybe a couple of calls beyond that.
People wonder why I often say I feel like an orphan. Did I get raised by a two parent home? Technically yes. My grandparents were there. But, I knew I had parents and I could never understand why they wouldn't want to see me. I always felt like I had done something wrong. My grandmother would make excuses for my father and why he wasn't around. She would tell me things like that my mother is a pathological liar like her mother and my grandfather on that side is a drunk and just bad things. But at the end of the day, I struggled my entire life trying to connect with someone. Trying to have that bond. I never had it.
What happens to someone who doesn't ever connect with a parent like a bond. You get crazy. You feel unimportant. At 41, I still regularly have bouts of absolutely hopelessness that I can't pull out of for a couple days. It isn't depression, meds don't work. Its a bad brain set. I never felt important.
Look at my Facebook. You can see that I have a couple of my cousins that I grew up a little older than on my Facebook but some are notably missing. My aunts nope, they aren't on my Facebook. They don't even talk to me. Everyone on that side treats me like I have done something wrong. How exactly does a child who didn't have a choice do something wrong. How exactly does a child who struggled so hard to try to have a connection get blackballed from a family because she can't get it together because the things she needed to grow up and know what to do in some situations she didn't have. Its like asking a mechanic who only has a wrench in his toolbox for a screwdriver.
I have been through counseling. I have been put on meds that did nothing. Well, except a couple did give me hives. I have chosen an abusive husband because in my mind I thought I wasn't worth anything. I have struggled so hard to just find myself my entire life and fallen flat without answers or having too many angles on a story that I end up with more questions than answer.
When my ex and I split, I moved to Illinois, where my mother and brothers lived. I really thought OK, my dad and I are pretty much friends now, If I can connect with my mom....it will all be OK. (By friends I mean he calls me 2 or 3 times a year and tells me how much fun he had with his ex wife's daughter and her husband on his boat the past five weekends, or his current girlfriend). All I wanted was a little time with her alone. To get to build a relationship. I lived in Illinois for 4 years. I asked her multiple times if we could go to lunch my treat. She would say well I am really busy. I got laid off from work and I was renting a house from her. My ex had the car that was in both of our names repo'd because his name was on it. So I was laid off with no car. She found a car at an auction, and she bought it. Then her husband instead of letting her give it to me with a promise to pay when I found a job....gave it for free to his son. Who has four cars already.
My brothers, my stepfather...everyone came before me. As someone who doesn't know how to put myself first, I felt like I didn't deserve to. When I found out my current husbands job was relocating us I asked on multiple occasions if we could spend some time together and she couldn't find even a moment of her time. Her husband needed stuff done......she was getting her hair done. She was doing something for my brother. All of these things and then she would say but if you guys want to come down and visit.
Do you know that when we got there, the first birthday i had was 3 months after I moved to Illinois, I got a card. It was so special to me. I never got a birthday card from her before. That is the only card as of today I got. I lived there for 4 years. At Christmas she would buy my brother a big screen tv, my other brother a gaming system...my other brother something expensive he wanted and I got slippers and a shark. See I wasn't comparing things until after I moved and I did a list. I realized she may have spent $100 on me total. My brothers got four to five times as much for them if not more. I bought my brothers gifts they never got me anything. I was not accepted by them either. Again not my fault I did nothing wrong.
I am not writing this as a victim. I am writing this today as someone who realizes that just because the people who should love you don't....just because you want to be cared for and given understanding it doesn't mean you will. It is OK. They are the ones missing out. Yes it hurts. And you will feel it when you see a friend post on Facebook how much they love their parent or their cousins or whatever. You don't have that. But there are lots of people who's parents are dead. Who would love to at least know their parents are alive and healthy. I will morn when my parents pass or any family member that I have cared about. It doesn't matter if they cared about me. See what matters at the end of the day....I care about me........at the end of the day. God loves me. And above all he is the one that matters. He is the one who has gotten me some absolutely horrible times in my life. He is the one that pushed me even when I didn't want him and I turned away from him.
I have a husband now that I have been married to for a year. We are still learning some nuances to our relationship and my needs etc. Sometimes I am more vocal about them than others and I need to get consistent instead of like waves in the ocean but he is a good man. He is a god fearing man. And we will grow and learn and things will get better. As far as my family. I love them because they are my family. I don't like that I don't fit in anywhere because I'm not allowed. Maybe one day they will wake up and things will be better. I won't pray for that any more. I only pray that they are healthy and happy. Because I can't change how they do things. I pray that they have all of their needs met. And I pray that if they happen upon this particular edition of my blog, they will understand this isn't about anger this is about understanding. Things happened that were outside of my control. I understand some of them did the best they could and some of them had no idea what to do. It is what it is. Its OK. I'm OK with it. I love everyone in my family but I will not allow myself to be a victim or a hurt party in something I never did.
If you find yourself separated emotionally or physically from your family just know God loves you. God will take care of you and God will make your life follow the path it is meant to. Those he includes in it are blessings even if they don't stay or they come kicking and screaming. Be a light to them.
