So today, I celebrated another year older. Its funny, I think, how when you are young you can't wait to get older then as you get older and the responsibilities start you sometimes wish you could go back. Normally I don't want to go back at all. Honestly other than to see my father when he was in bad car accident I have not step foot in my home state since January 2008. There is a lot of back story as to why. I didn't have a run of the mill life. I grew up most of my life in Connecticut. I was raised by my grandparents. The story of how that happened has 3 sides and somewhere in the middle is the gray area of truth.
At any rate, I have good memories and bad memories there. I guess people have those everywhere they have lived and visited. But, for me, I can't really say whether or not I really enjoyed life. There were great moments. There were moments that made me excited to be alive but there were so many moments that I felt lost and alone. I mean I really was one of those people who could be surrounded by people and still feel utterly alone. No one around me could tell. I never quite fit in but I was never completely out. I had friends who were my best friends just suddenly disappear for no reason and never telling me why or if I did something wrong. I tried to hard and I didn't try hard enough. I was jealous of people who had everything go their way. I settled for less than I deserved.
A lot of these 'trends' have continued through a lot of my life. At 19 I was in college, I did my first year as a commuter and HATED that. I never really could make friends and the ones I did were 30-45 minutes from home if they wanted to get together and where I lived had nothing to do so I always drove. OK fine. That meant a lot of hanging out on base at the dance club because I wasn't 21 and some of them were. Then I moved on campus and what happened there is something for another blog. Anyhow, I found myself with a boyfriend who ended up just marrying some other woman and calling me after which is a trend apparently (yes another days blog) and I just lost it. My life fell so far out of control. Everyone had an opinion on what I should do and all I wanted to do was run. So I did.
I started seeing this guy. Within 7 months of meeting him we were married. 2 children and a lot of verbal and physical abuse later, we split. I couldn't do it any more. Then I tried again at marriage and this one cheated over and over but told anyone that would listen that I was the one cheating. Lots of people to this day believe him and that is fine because I know the truth. I had two kids at home and a full time job. My kids were involved in dance and scouts and all of that. I had no time to cheat. but that again is his issue not mine because I know the truth. Did I have guy friends Absolutely. I always have. See I am a straight shooter and a lot of women can't actually handle it like they say they can. The guy he was obsessed that I was cheating on him with was a friend only. Yes when I left we split a house. HE had the entire basement and we had a shared living room and kitchen and dining room. my kids and I had rooms upstairs. There was little to no contact.
But that is past. I left again. Got back with my kids dad because I am an idiot and believed he had changed and my kids wanted him to be back in their lives. So why not. Moved to Colorado to be with him. That was 2008. At first it was great. Then changes back to the old person he used to be. In 2011 I moved to Illinois he followed knowing our marriage was over due to things I couldn't have in a marriage. (I will leave that at that). Then one christmas morning he packed up his stuff in his truck and left with the dog. Didn't even want to say goodbye to the kids. (Prime dad material). 4 plus years later I have yet to see child support. But, my attorney is working on that still.
Then something happened. I met a wonderful man. He was everything that I would have written a husband out to be. This all happened when I decided to work on me. Find who I am and what I needed to be happy. He just dropped in my lap. I started going to church and I was saved. Then my life just changed like snap. It was amazing. I saw myself as someone worth loving. I saw myself as someone who didn't have to be treated poorly. The point of this days blog is to remind you that no matter how old you are (I was 37) you are never too old to change your life. All you have to do is believe it. Maybe it won't happen over night but it will happen.
I always like the phrase...just remember there is a millionaire walking around out there that invented the pool noodle.
I hope for everyone that reads my blog you find something that touches you or that you find useful.
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